Wondering....

Do you ever wonder about your life? Whoever you are that's reading this?

Do you ever wonder what you'll be doing this time of year next year? Like for example, will I have made a new friend? Will I have dis-connected with a friend that right now I never thought I would?

Will I be different next year? Will I still be the same pickle-loving, writing, reading, crazy, fun, soccer girl I am right now?

Will I make a significant difference in some one's life between now and next year? Will I still be a straight-A student? Why do we always need answers? Why must we ask so many questions?

This makes me wonder, do we really trust God? If we can't even let go of the worries of tomorrow, yet question the future, what are we really doing? Are we trusting in Him? Or are we just falling through the void of our life, with nothing to hold onto?

I'm so sick of questions. I'm so sick of wanting answers. Maybe we don't need answers. Did God EVER tell us we needed answers? Why, no, I don't believe He did.

And yet I still wonder, I still dream. I wonder who I'll marry, but I guess all girls do. I wonder whether I live to graduate from college, or to be a wife and a mother.

And I wonder about death. Such a strong word, death is. I hate saying it, let alone writing it or reading it. I wonder how I'll die. And then, as I wonder, I get this mixed, sick feeling, yet uplifting feeling, that I could die any day.

And it strikes me so powerfully that God could call me home at any time, I could get sick and die, I could get in a car crash and die on my way to school, or I could get run over by a car as I am walking across the rode.

This all came to me in a dream, of course. I dreamt that I was at school in my classroom. All of my friends were there, my teacher sitting on her stool, and everything was okay. All of the sudden the announcements came on and everyone had exactly 4 minutes to live.

The announcer said that a volcano(I know there are no volcanoes near us, but it was a dream, and it was very real)was going to erupt in 4 minutes and it was too late to evacuate.

Everyone started freaking out. I felt my legs go limp, and I didn't know what to do. This was the moment that I had pondered over for years and years, and I had 4 minutes left on this earth. The weirdest feeling came across me, then we heard the volcano erupting, and I woke up before it killed us.

I don't want to be afraid of death, you see. Because it is only a transition from earth to our eternal home in heaven. But I guess it's not death that I'm afraid of. I'm afraid that when it comes, then I will be afraid.

So no matter how much I question and how many answers don't come, I will always wonder.